Wednesday 9 January, 2008: Warhammer Fantasy Role-play

I’ve been both lax and busy over the last couple of weeks which is a very dangerous combination. Nevertheless, I hope that now we can get the reports back to normal – just one or two to catch up on.

Well it’s a new year and we threw ourselves back into gaming with great gusto. Over the holiday period I played several games of Epic with my dad and our friends at his Welsh Weyr Gaming Club (the link to their site is on this blog, it’s well worth a look). This included a fantastic four-way 3000 point a side game with 2 Space Marine and an Eldar player as well as myself with my inconceivably exciting new Chaos army which was an unexpected and truly fantastic Christmas present. Thank you very much again, Julian. Unfortunately, this game had to end early but what we had was quite intense and violent.

That, however, is now unfortunately too far back for even my memory to remember in any detail so it must remain a mystery in the blood-soaked past of my models.

Our first game back in Norwich after the new year though was a sojourn into the dirty and violent lands of the Old World for a session of Warhammer Fantasy Role-play. To find out what fiendish designs Johnny had for Heini and Sophia, read on.

As you may recall, we left the two characters basking after their triumph over the Nurgle witch which allowed the Pie Eve celebration to go ahead. Sophia awoke the next morning in a hysterical fever with gums which oozed puss and violent delusions aimed at all around her. After the exorbitent procurement of some ointment (which we later discovered was made from deer excrement – thanks Johnny) her fever and puss eruptions began to subside. This adventure, which took place during her convalescence, was a fantastic blend of farce and adventure in which our ownership of the ogre Handsup was called into question. His previous owner, whose town we ravaged in our first adventure, came to the town to which we had fled. She recognised her ogre but, as she mistreated him, we refused to give him back. Besides, we had stolen him fair and square. We challenged her to the ancient halfling custom of Trial By Pie and, as it was coincidentally still pie week, the trials began.

There were three challenges: the eating, the throwing and the making. We, of course, cheated. Our entrant in the eating contest was the ogre in question while our opponent only had her halfling nephew to call on. He did his best but was too slow and the ogre ended up eating most of his pies as well so was declared the winner.

Sophia, with her steady elvish hand was chosen for the throwing but her illness weakened her. She was bested by some crap dice and the brattish niece of the ogre’s previous owner.

So, amazingly, it came down to the last trial: the making. Heini and Grechin, being the two challengers, were to take this challenge. Grechin was a wonderful cook and so looked to have the upper hand. Heini, however, had absolutely no scruples so we decided to think laterally.

Some gossipping revealed the existence of a mystical halfling who lived a couple of villages away. Conveniently we had 2 days to the tasting and that gave us just enough time to make the journey.

The village proved to be a filthy backwater of a place but we were able to charm the villagers into cooperation with a round of drinks for all at the tavern. We discovered that Hans, the pieman, lived in a little house at the end of the street. He turned out to have no legs. He wheeled himself about on a little frame. He promised Heini he could make him a pie with his face on it and demanded nothing more than a turnip from us.

Thinking this would be an easy proposition, Heini went hunting for a turnip. He stole the last one from one of the gardens and returned it to Hans. Hans delightedly ate it. It wasn’t for the pie, he just liked them. What he really wanted was a kiss from Heini. Promising him this one request, Olly’s character bid him close his eyes … and ran away with the pie.

The pie did indeed bear a fantastic likeness to Heini’s face. This, combined with some terrifying dreams in which wheeled torsoes called to him for kisses, led to Olly’s character losing a sanity point. The next morning, having some time to spare, Sophia went to see the miracle of the pie with faces on for herself. She asked for a pie and asked in advance what the price would be. This time, obviously not liking the look of her fair elvish features, Hans declared that a turnip would suffice. Hunting desperately, Sophia was unable to find a turnip but, unscrupulous to the last, the two adventurers came up with a plan to paint a raddish or something white. Amazingly, this seemed to work and they made their escape with their 2 portrait pies.

When they returned to the village in which the contest was to be held they discovered that Grechin had used their absence to run a propaganda campaign. She had been busily making and handing out pies so that word would get around of her fantastic cooking. We wasted no time in doing the same. Shuddering slightly I cut my face into little pieces and handed them out. People were mesmerised by the wonderful flavours of the pie and soon the village had changed its mind. We were the favourite.

On the morning of the contest, everything went wrong. Heini, in a last ditch attempt to win support, made a proclamation about having a “pie for the people”. They thought this was a good idea and were eager to share the rest of Heini’s face after the mayor had taken his piece for the tasting. Unfortunately, there were two people, the mayor and a food critic from a special society in Nulne, who greatly desired the rest of the pie. We decided, once we had been declared the winners of the competition, to sell the pie to the highest bidder. The mayor offered a huge sum and, seeing the agitation of the crowds who came to witness the contest, we quickly gave it to him proclaiming that he would be happy to share it with his village. At that point a full-blown riot broke out and the mayor was mobbed. Startlingly, he suffered a heart attack whilst in the middle of the maelstrom and died. The pie was literally torn apart. The mayor’s assistant collapsed into a hysterical heap imploring us to leave their town in peace. Our goal had been achieved. Grechin, upon tasting our pie, gave in gracefully and left the town. The ogre was now truly ours. With this in mind, we bade farewell to the very few friends we had made in the town and legged it before the crowd could reorganise and take things out on us. We headed into the empire proper. I wonder what will happen next?

That was one of the most interesting role-playing sessions I have ever participated in. There was no combat but the contest and the story line continued Johnny’s awesome story telling. The system and the characters continue to engage us and I really can’t wait to see what adventures we will find as we continue our journey to the city of Nulne.

Next time, the 6000 point a side apocalypse game we played on Saturday. It was brought forward for various reasons. This isn’t all bad though as it means we can fit another one in in early February. Read all about it as soon as I have time. A teaser: super heavies and 3d6 inch strength 9 explosions.